


Trying To Live Like Them

by brinnabot



Category: Marvel, X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bisexuality, Canon Het Relationship, Charles is Bi, Cherik - Freeform, Erik Has Feelings, Erik is Bi, Erik is a Father, Erik misses Charles, F/M, Family, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, Hurt Erik Lehnsherr, M/M, Mutants, Past Relationship(s), Post-X-Men: Days of Future Past, Pre-X-Men: Apocalypse (2016), aka cherik, blood mention, but also talk of a canon not het ship, family stuff, have fun, honestly everyone is bi why not, i see erik as ace and bi but you don't have to, im rambling in the tags, it'll be emo and heartwarming and everything in between, keep checking for more, keep your eye out bc more chapters will be added, magneto - Freeform, you got to see lots of this canon Magda
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 10:19:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9718064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brinnabot/pseuds/brinnabot
Summary: That day in D.C., Erik left his helmet. That day in D.C., Charles let him go.Erik is doing his best to start over and be happy. To his surprise, it's actually kind of working. He has a wife and daughter who he loves with everything he's got. But he sometimes feels like something is missing. Everything from his past is gone, and he can't go back to it.He left his helmet behind for a reason.His past knows how to follow him wherever he goes, but there's one ghost that he wish would make itself known.





	1. No Rest For The Wicked

_“Erik..”_

His eyes snapped open.

Cold air rushed into his lungs. At first all Erik could feel was sensory overload. It was intense disorientation, overwhelming emotion. His hand reached out to keep his balance and fell roughly against a coarse surface. How he got where he was, he didn’t know. Shaking knees begged him to keel over but he resisted.

He was in a forest-- the grey clouds that lingered above threatened to let loose at any moment but kept their composure as the wind pushed them slowly and steadily away. The chill in the air brushed against his exposed skin, made it crawl. It was too quiet. Too empty.

_“Erik..”_

There it was again.

Erik was alone-- so where was the voice coming from? It rang in his ears. A loud whisper.

_**“Erik!”** _

The shout was sharp and cutting, almost painful. Erik slammed his eyes shut and tensely inhaled as his other hand joined the first against the tree. The voice was a harsh wake up call, and suddenly everything became agonizingly real. Footsteps against the dry and cracking leaves made him once again open his eyes, searching wildly around him. Still no one was there.

“Erik?” A different voice. It was quiet and warm-- familiar.

A hand gently caressed his cheek, making his jump. He turned and saw Magda, smiling and looking slightly concerned. Softly he leaned into her touch, letting the relief soak in for a moment before the warmth of her hand disappeared, and she took a step back.

“You should be careful, dear. No one here knows my name. They can’t find out.” Erik replied and straightened up, no longer supporting himself against the tree.

“That won’t matter soon.” She answered him back.

The way she said it sent a shiver down his spine. “What does that mean?”

Magda’s smile widened. “Everyone eventually sees right through you, Erik. Haven’t you figured that out by now, darling?”

Erik watched as she took a few more steps back but continued to face him, her skirt lightly scraping the ground below as she moved, hair sweeping piece by piece in front of her face. She folded her hands behind her but didn’t say a word. 

“Where are you going?” The confusion began creeping back in. He moved forward to stop her from leaving but something tripped him, and harshly his chest met with the cold ground, knocking the air from his lungs. It felt like a mere few seconds had passed, but by the time he was able to get one hand underneath him and glance up, Magda was gone.

“Papa?”

Erik flipped himself over and steadied himself with both hands. He was met with the innocent face of his four year old daughter and quickly he scrambled to his knees, reaching his arms out to her. “Nina? Come here darling, what are you doing out here alone?”

The patter of small footsteps signaled her running into his arms, and once she was close enough Erik pulled her flush to his chest, one hand cradling her small head. He planted a kiss hastily to his daughter’s mess of hair and then lifted them both off the ground. “Let’s go home, you’re cold and it’s past your bedtime.” Nina’s small arms reached up and wrapped themselves around his neck as he looked around him, taking in his surroundings and doing his best to figure out which way was home.

Which way was it? They were surrounded by endless trees-- uniform and reaching as far as he could see. How were they going to get back? How did Nina even get here?

_“Erik, turn around.”_

The voice in his head reappeared, making him pause. He attempted a glance over his shoulder, hesitant and tense, but something pulled him, almost lured him to whatever it was behind him. He couldn’t fight it. Erik turned on his heels, felt his heart beating out of his chest, and clutched Nina closer to him.

“Hello, old friend.”

Instantly Erik’s blood turned to ice. Before his eyes even met with the man calling his name, the voice suddenly became recognizable. **It was Charles.** He stood-- yes _stood_ before him, his features expressionless and feet planted firmly in place. Erik wasn’t sure what to feel. Relieved? Terrified? Confused? Perhaps all of it. His breath shook as he inhaled, ready to speak, but before he could something else stood out to him.

There was a crimson streak running down the length of Charles’ face. It originated from the center of his forehead-- dark and ragged. _He was bleeding._ Panic shot through Erik but quickly he realized what it was-- it was a wound. **Like someone had forced a coin through his skull.** Blood had dripped heavily and slowly down, between his eyes and to the side of his nose, ending its trail at the corner of his mouth. But Charles stood before him like nothing had happened, like he didn’t even feel it. He stood there like he had never been shot-- _he had to be a ghost._

“Charles?” That was all he could manage.

“You sound surprised.” Charles replied, bland and blank.

“I don’t understand..” Erik confessed, “I just need to get home. How are you here?”

“I’m not.” Charles tipped his head to the side. “You just think I am. Or you wish I were. Not sure which one it is.”

Then it began to rain. It was cold and frigid against Erik’s skin but he paid no attention to it, even as it quickened and his clothes started to soak through. All he did was keep his eyes on Charles and do his best to keep Nina dry. “I-- I have to get her home. I need to protect her, she shouldn’t be out here this late.”

“You can’t protect her, Erik.” Charles sounded stern this time. “You can’t protect any of us.”

_“What?”_

“You are going to get us all killed.” Now venom laced Charles’ words and he thrust forward, reaching him in only a few steps, and grabbed a necklace that was around Erik’s neck. One that Erik hadn’t even known he was wearing. With a sharp snap it broke and Charles dangled it in front of his face. The rain had soaked through his clothes, but still the blood on Charles’ face remained intact as he held up the confiscated chain.

“Your parents? Your brother and sister, your **_friends?_** ” Charles hissed at him. “All dead. Because of _you._ ”

Erik stepped back, shaking, reaching up to wipe the continuous flow of water from his eyes. “No-- _no I never meant for any of that to happen!”_

It was then that he realized Nina was no longer in his arms. His heart just about gave out. “Nina?” His voice cracked as he screamed through the rain. **_“Nina!”_**

“She’s gone, Erik!” Charles yelled back to him and suddenly Erik was pulled forward by the collar of his shirt. He found himself face to face with Charles, inches away from his friend’s bright blue eyes that burned with rage. His dark hair was plastered to his forehead by the rain and still the red mark stuck to his skin. Erik was terrified, his chest tight and throat closed. He reached up and clasped his fingers around Charles’, trying to force the grip open with no success.

“Charles.. I’m-I’m so sorry..”

“It’s too late for apologies, Erik.” Charles flung his arm harshly to the side and threw the necklace away. It vanished, forever bound to be lost in the forest. “I told you once that I would never get inside that head of yours again. This time I mean it.”

Erik was then released and he stumbled forward, catching himself with one hand against the slippery ground cover. Charles was walking away now, back turned to him as he slowly walked between the trees and became lost in the haze of the downpour. 

**_“Charles-- wait!”_ **

Erik’s plea fell muffled against the wall of water that now separated them, and slowly Charles disappeared without once looking back. With both hands, Erik pushed himself off the ground and clumsily took a few running steps after his friend, but he never made it.

The next thing Erik knew, he was gasping for air. His breathing was fast, choppy, and he was shivering. But he was no longer outside, no longer left alone in the vast expanse of trees and no longer being pelted with heavy rain. After a few moments he forced his eyes open and saw that he was on all fours next to his bed, drenched in a cold sweat and panting. Reality was slowly seeping in.

“ _Henrik?_ Are you alright?” A soft and sleepy voice called out to him.

_Magda._

“Yes-- yes I am fine. Go back to sleep, I’ll be back in bed soon.”

In response he heard a soft hum and then the room was silent again. He concluded that in his fit, he fell off the bed. Slightly embarrassing, but he was thankful that the fall woke him. Another moment trapped in that hell would have been torture.

The pale moonlight illuminated the room enough for him to ground himself, leaning back against the bed for a moment to catch his breath. A shaking hand lifted and pushed aside his sweat soaked hair before it fell limply against the floor again. His stomach was churning and his heart felt heavy. He hadn’t had a nightmare like that in quite some time.

Erik’s next movements seemed out of his control. One after the other his feet carried him out of the bedroom and towards Nina’s room-- he took a peek in and saw the little four year old sound asleep in her bed. The sight eased his nerves. Reality was calm and quiet and untouched. He couldn’t be more thankful.

Eventually he made his way outside, heading towards the open field next to their barn. It was a relief to be on his feet, standing and walking and working off the anxious energy that pulsed through him. There was a slight chill to the air, but the sky was clear of clouds and the wind was still. After the terror his mind brought upon him, his mind was painfully empty. It was longing for something, some connection that simply did not exist any longer.

But he knew that what it missed wouldn’t be coming back. Erik wondered if the Charles of his dream was simply a fabrication of his tired mind-- or perhaps it was something more. Maybe he should listen to it.

The thought didn’t make him feel any better. He didn’t listen to it. He couldn’t even if he wanted to.

Erik was never going to shake that feeling, that longing. He knew that wherever he ended up, it was never going to be easy. Easy wasn’t what he was built for. Easy wasn’t what he was _created_ for. Even now, with his peaceful life and a family to look after, it didn’t feel right. But he was trying, and maybe that would be enough to keep the demons at bay. There were even days that his entire self was swallowed up by the happiness and contentment-- and that’s what mattered the most right? It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t perfect but it was **_good_**.

For the moment, it had to be enough to just _exist._ He allowed one shoulder to lean gently against the sturdy wall of his barn and gazed out over the pool of moonlight illuminating the field. Whatever thoughts that ran through his head passed by without any consideration, but still he knew he would get no rest tonight. And that was okay.


	2. Before the Day is Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of angst, little bit of fluff.  
> It's all starting to come to the surface.

“It’s him again, isn’t it?”

Magda’s visit didn’t startle him. He knew she would come to check on him if he stayed out long enough-- it was almost routine now. Erik held one hand out and she grabbed it swiftly and easily like they had rehearsed it hundreds of times. She gave it a squeeze before releasing and then wrapped her arms around his waist as he pulled her closer with one of his. Like a lock and key, they fit together perfectly and with ease, and after they took comfort in each other’s touch the night’s silence took over for a few moments, both their gazes fixed on the illuminated field before them.

Erik felt her shiver as she leaned her head against his shoulder. “You didn’t answer my question.” She brought it up again, knowing full well what his answer would be, but persisting nonetheless. Magda was one of a rare kind-- strong and resilient, but warm and welcoming and he had unquestionably trusted her the moment they met. She knew what it took to get him to talk.

“Yes.” Erik whispered back, pulling her closer. But it wasn’t just Charles that was bothering him tonight. He had given up so much to be where he was now: happy and married, trying to be _normal._ He knew that it could all disappear in the blink of an eye.

Normal? He meant _human._ **Trying to blend in with humanity.** If anyone had told him ten years ago that he would eventually be hiding himself away, not using his abilities, and doing his best to fit in-- he would have said you were crazy. _To give in was to fail._ What had he been fighting for this entire time, if he was only to fall prey to the very pressures he sought to destroy? He questioned whether it was all worth it-- all the pain and suffering, the fighting and clawing his way to the top. It seemed so ridiculous now. But at the same time he felt lost without it.

“What was it this time?” Magda pressed him further, gentle as always.

Erik hesitated. This dream was.. different. It was harsher, personal, dark, and it cut deep. It was the unseen parts of him that scared him the most, and the visions his mind produced slashed his barriers to bits-- so badly that he was afraid of revealing it all. Magda knew more about him than practically anyone, but there were still parts of him that no one, **_no one_** saw. What was he going to tell her? That in the end, everything is always taken from him? That in this case, that meant her and Nina? How could he tell her that?

“Nothing different.” He lied. 

Cold air rushed against his skin as she moved away and placed herself in front of him. Moonlight fell across her hair and draped across her features-- Erik marveled for a moment, wishing he could capture the feeling. She was quite obviously tired, sleep still lingering in her eyes but her expression was nothing but kind. After a few seconds she reached up and placed a hand to his cheek. “I know you better than that, my dear. Something is bothering you.”

Her skin was like ice against his, but he paid it no attention other than wanting to wrap her up, protect her from the cold. His lips curved into a soft smile and he placed a hand over hers to interlock their fingers before lowering them both. Again he hesitated to answer her, feeling himself slip away from reality for split second moments. His dreams, his mind-- they were all working against him, trying to convince him that everything he loved had only one mission: to destroy him, to tear him apart from the inside. 

Or was it the other way around? _Who was destroying who?_

Erik mentally waved off the thought and planted a kiss to her lips. _She was very real in that moment._ He wished he could capture that feeling, too. “Someday. Someday I will tell you. Just not tonight.” Though he doubted he ever would. Saying his fears out loud like that would make them too real. That wasn’t a chance he was willing to take.

“I know.” She breathed the words against his lips. “But I am tired. And cold. Will you come back to bed with me?”

Erik sighed and opened his eyes. “Soon. Just give me a minute.”

“Alright.” She smooched his cheek and separated from him, pulling down the sleeves of her sweater to shield her fingers from the chill. “Tomorrow will be better, remember that.” And with those words she quietly left, and Erik was alone once again.

Closing his eyes was a terrifying notion, and for that single fact he did not sleep at all the rest of the night. Hour after hour went by and the light began to spread across the earth little by little-- still Erik sat where Magda had left him. His mind was open, wandering, searching.. _searching for…_

“Henrik? What are you doing out here still?”

Stiffly Erik turned around as his wife marched her way over from the house. Most likely she had recently woken up and saw that he wasn’t in the house. He kept his mouth shut.

“You have work soon. Are you alright? When I saw you weren’t inside…”

Erik stood up, pushing himself to his feet with a soft groan. He had been sitting longer than he anticipated. “I’m fine.”

 _“Don’t--”_ She bit her lip. “This isn’t normal, even for you.”

She was worried. He was scared and tired. This wasn’t going to end well.

“I have to get ready for work.” Erik tossed a short glance her way and brushed passed her towards the house. After a few steps he was yanked to a halt from behind and he was forced to turn around. 

“Do not close yourself off from me! We’ve been through this already.” Her voice was starting to strain as she held her grip on his arm. There was no way he was walking free without something going wrong. His body had turned back to her but he couldn’t get himself to _look_ at her, and instead he chose to divert his eyes to the ground between them.

Last night Magda was so real, so warm and so present and so beautiful. His daughter was sound asleep and safe, and his fear was eased, but the late hours of the night were a strange phenomenon. They could make you feel anything, make you _believe_ anything. The day only left you with the harsh light to show you what was real, what _truly_ was inside you, and what Erik saw was the truth: his attachments would be the end of him. That was nothing new but it was all coming to the surface again, becoming far too real, and Erik had no idea on how he should handle it. At least for now he could keep it to himself, suffer alone, work the day away and let Magda ease her worry while he was gone.

“Why won’t you look at me.” It was more of a command than a question, but still Erik did not turn to her. The tension in the air built and built until she finally let go and backed away.

“Nina! Will you come outside and help me with the chickens, please? Your Papa is off to work.” She called to their daughter and the guilt sat heavy in his gut. He couldn’t look away any longer and as he turned his gaze up, Erik saw Magda move away and head towards the barn.

“Magda, **_wait--_** ”

“We will talk when you get home.” She answered without stopping, without pause, and without turning around, and with that she entered the barn to wait for Nina.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was golden and warm and there was just a hint of a breeze. Had it been any other time Erik would have revelled in it-- but now he found himself staring at the door into the barn, silently wishing for Magda to walk back through it, silently willing himself to follow after her. Neither of those things happened. He ran a hand through his hair and forced himself to turn and go back inside.

“Hello Papa!” Little Nina burst through the front door just as he made it there. She had her hair tied back in a small purple bow (her favorite color) and was carrying a basket for the chicken feed. If there was anything that could brighten his day, it would be _this._

A switch flipped inside of him and Erik couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across his face. “Good morning, little flower.” He knelt down beside her and tucked a few loose strands of hair behind her ear. She was radiating pure joy and excitement-- the chickens were her favorite. “You do a good job helping your mother today, alright? I’ll be home for supper later.”

“Okay, Papa!” After she gave him a kiss on the cheek she skipped her way over to the barn, gaining the chickens along the way. Eagerly they followed behind her, knowing that she was their ticket for breakfast this morning, and when she stopped suddenly before the door they all huddled around her in a circle. Erik could hear her go around the group and saying hello to each one (with the names she picked out-- how she could tell them all apart, he didn’t know) and giving them a nice little pat on the head, which they happily accepted. The little birds had a tendency to scurry away from him and Magda, but they had a fondness for Nina. So did all the other animals.

Erik watched his little girl until he saw the door of the barn open. Not wanting to see Magda again, he turned around and headed inside to get ready for the day. 

After leaving Nina, the guilt found its way back into his system and sat like a rock in his stomach. It stayed there the entire day. It even got to the point where someone at his job asked him if he was alright-- Erik gave them a small smile and told them he was tired. Considering he didn’t sleep the entire night, it was a fairly honest answer, but it was more than just the exhaustion. Much, much more.

His feet dragged as he exited the factory that day. Whatever guilt he had started the day with transformed itself into dread, almost strong enough to be considered fear. Honesty had never been his strongest quality, but with Magda he really did try. Tonight would test that a hundred times over-- just thinking about it made him sick to his stomach.

The moment he walked through the door, Erik was met with the excited yells of his daughter as she ran towards him. Her arms clamped around his leg and refused to let go, so he ruffled her hair and walked around the main room to take her for a ride. They ended in a fit of tickles and laughter that Magda interrupted, telling them to help her with the food.

Erik hugged and kissed the woman he loved, helped her and their daughter make dinner and sat down to a pleasant meal with the two of them. Nina rambled her little mouth off about the minute details of every move the chickens made throughout the day, still individually naming them, to which her parents listened intently and told her that next month they might get a few more. It brought her close to tears with excitement, and after she calmed down Erik told her to clean her plate and then go play in her room until someone came up to tell her it’s bedtime.

The couple left behind silently tidied the kitchen and put everything back where it needed to be. Erik dried and put away the last glass, probably much more slowly than necessary, and then turned to his wife who was leaning against the doorframe.  
Neither of them were angry. Frustrated, maybe. But not angry. They both had their demons and they both knew that they would come up every now and then. But when they got married it was all or nothing-- Erik still remembered that. Now it was his turn to hold up his end of the bargain.

Erik took a deep breath in and slowly made his way to her, stopping only when they were close enough to touch. 

Magda calmly held her gaze and placed a hand flat against his chest. “Come on, let’s sit. We have a lot of talking to do.”

**Author's Note:**

> **Chapter One's nightmare was written while listening to Seven Devils by Florence + The Machine on repeat, fun fact  
> **Chapter Three will bring up some deep emotions for both Erik and Magda


End file.
